Exposure

“Well, I don’t know what it was–”

“You don’t know why you ran naked out into thirty degree weather.” The policewoman let the problem with his report sink in.

He sighed again, “Ma’am I thought I heard something like an accident outside–”

“So while dripping wet from your shower, you ran down the stairs, outside, down the stairs of your house–”

“No Ma’am, that was earlier when I–”

“–and didn’t stop to grab your robe or even a towel, to cover yourself from the children playing in the very street you were running towards?

“Ma’am, the truth is that I was–”

“Now you want to tell the truth?”

He wondered briefly how he could keep his impending arrest quiet.

“No, I have been telling the truth. The fact is the shower has this plumbing problem where sometimes it looses all its hot water pressure.

“Mm-mm.”

“It’s true. It’s an old house, but there’s a, well, there was a hand pump on the side of the house so you can clear the pipes and reset the valve–”

“Right, right, but when did you decide not to grab a towel?”

“Ma’am the panel was right outside the side door so I was inside, just reaching out with my arm–”

“When you thought it’d be fun to expose yourself to everyone in the neighborhood?”

“No Ma’am, when I realized my parents must have–”

“So your parents kicked you outside, naked, into the snow.”

“No, they’re not even home!”

“Don’t you raise your voice at me.”

“I’m, I’m sorry Ma’am. Listen it’s not my house, it’s my parents house, I’m just here because I lost my job, but –”

“But I’m supposed to take pity on you and not arrest your naked self?”

“No Ma’am, it’s just they weren’t here to reset the valve or tell me they had moved it, so when I went to do it myself–”

“Naked.”

“Yes, Ma’am when I went naked to go reset the–”

“And dripping wet.”

He wondered if they still published sex offenders in the newspaper.

“Yes, I was still wet because I thought I would be back in a hot shower by now.”

“Oh and it’s my fault you’re not back in a shower? I think it’s my fault you haven’t run wet and naked down the street yelling ‘I’m the squid’.”

“Yes Ma’am, I mean no Ma’am. No. I wouldn’t have done anything like that. I just stepped half a step further outside because the panel was moved this little bit further down.”

“Naked.”

“Yes. Ma’am. Because I didn’t want to go back up to the third floor to get anything because I was already freezing–”

“That’s because you were naked.”

“–YES.”

“Don’t you do that.”

“Yes-” he growl-whispered as politely as he could, “I-failed-to-accurately-anticipate-how-cold-the-temperature-was-outside-or-the-inevitable-effect-of-said-temperature-upon-my-already-wet-skin. Ma’am.”

“That’s better. Now go on.”

“That’s when I heard the crash.”

“And you ran out to the street.”

“And I only went to the edge of the front of my house, but that’s when you zoomed up–”

“Your parent’s house.”

He sighed. “Yes. My parent’s house.”

“Who weren’t home to investigate the mysterious crash.”

“No they’re not home, but neither are they a trained and licensed Emergency Medical Technician, so they would have had to come get me.”

“Because you’re an EMT.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Even though I haven’t seen you ever before.”

“I’ve just never operated in this town or state, BUT, I’ll get all the information you want from upstairs.”

“But you’re here because you were laid off.”

“Yes.”

“You weren’t, by any chance, laid off for exposing yourself, were you?

“WHAT??”

She raised her eyebrow at him. He looked incredulously back. They stared. Ten seconds. Twelve.

And then there was a giggle. And a snort. And then there was full blown hilarity rising from two people convulsing in laughter.