(Not) Being Kinky

Q: Generally speaking, are female led relationships kinky by nature?

My experience seems slightly different from other uxorious men I’ve read about because what I really enjoy is my wife’s pursuit of her desire; I actively seek her enjoyment through the fulfillment of her desire. Neither my wife nor I like the word ‘serve’ but if I used it here, ‘serve’ would refer to my desire to be an intimate part of, partner of, witness to, participant in, her desire and in all aspects of our lives together. While I love my wife, I also honestly really like her too, and I like to see her ‘in action’ doing her thing – whatever that thing may be.

On the surface this difference appears ‘not my disempowerment, but her empowerment’ and I will admit if a power scale is stretched between two people an increase of power for one is by necessity a decrease for the other. You could say I’m just fooling myself because self interest is self interest, even if I define my self interest as ‘being an intimate part of her desire’ rather than ‘my disempowerment’, I am still eroticizing my own desire. If you like, I’ll even grant you that since sex is one expression of desire and a deferral to her desire there must by definition make me kinky.

On the other hand, even if those things are ‘true’, what if they still miss the point? What if the difference is one of experiential attitude? While we may define things any way as we want, we cannot change our primary experience, our primary stimulation – for me the experience of my partner’s pleasure and attainment of her desire. So what if that focus is the real point, my focus on her desire, on the participation in her desire, and not on me, or my disempowerment, or any particular definition of ‘kinky’, whether strict or loose?

Perhaps it is a matter of proportion, having more of one than the other grants you the label of that category, but if only rarely would any one be at either end of the spectrum, if everyone has some proportion of altruistic and self interested motives, some proportion of power seeking and disempowerment seeking, then wouldn’t the experiential attitude of that individual be more important than what the exact proportion is, more important than even how their proportion compares to other individuals?

While there’s probably some correlation between our usage of the word ‘kinky’ with certain activities and with certain activities, attitudes and motivations, possibly even high correlations, there’s just too many variables, too many generalizing assumptions about people’s interior attitudes. And if only a certain sexual attitude is kinky, whether the sexual activities are ‘mainstream’ or not, whether the relationship is a ‘female led’ relationship or not, then the problem isn’t only identifying differing individual’s most interior personal reasons, it is also understanding how people feel kinky about different things over time.

Thus, I don’t think we can accurately generalize about the kinkiness of female led relationships because of these constantly varying attitudes and motivations, even the constantly varying proportion of attitudes and motivations, from time to time, whether short term or long term time frames. Although I would obviously never say never, I don’t think my sexual attitudes or activities are ever very kinky, despite the fact that I prefer my wife be in charge of everything she desires to be. So I rather do think that ‘generally speaking’ female led relationships are not necessarily ‘kinky’ by nature, pretty much no matter how you define ‘kinky’, and when ‘kink’ is defined as a ‘compact and variable sexual attitude’, the question has no significant answer.