Electric Without Fire
September 6, 2010
I’ve talked about health issues, about fear, death, coping, and about inner peace, but I haven’t talked about these in the same breath as uxory – largely because they seem so incompatible and I’ve had a hard time adjusting and grappling with it.
Of course, poor health, fear and anxiety can lower one’s confidence, and insomuch as my wife is a dominant personality some of our usual relationship dynamic has been suffering. And while usually her illnesses past have presented the pleasant opportunity for doting above and beyond the norm, this is an illness that currently has no surety of ever lifting.
Quite naturally there’s an odd parallel to that large number of frustrated men who feel they are being submissive without their partner being dominant, and on one hand having had a deeper dynamic means I may be less frustrated, but on the other hand with no end in sight perhaps I’d be more frustrated.
Yet actually and quite honestly, I am not at all frustrated – perhaps mostly because I am too concerned for my wife to worry about my uxory or our dynamic. The unresolved situation itself of course is immensely frustrating in its continuing anxiety, but it only feel more than what I can cope with when I see it diminishing her fire – and I know there’s not a thing I can do about it.
Perhaps like everyone else I have a bit of a Christ complex but I can’t save the world, or even one other person – even if that one other person were my wife. And like most men I want to fix any relationship problem there might be, but I cannot fix this – neither her health nor her ability to cope with having this problem. And perhaps like most uxorious men I want to make my wife happy with my actions and choices, but there are no actions I can take, no choices I can make, that are going to make her happy.
Again I must be content with only what I can do as the person I am, and I am managing to be the electric me without the fiery she (or a diminished fiery she) practically on autopilot – but I don’t know how to be content this way.
September 7, 2010 at 12:46 pm
[...] No less when said doctor also relayed today how this surgery had a very good chance of fixing the problem, I was frankly ecstatic, ecstatic to have a possible end in sight, a possible return to normalcy. A chance for no more visits to the ER, no more endless parade of doctors saying ‘hmmm’, no more symptoms indistinguishable from the umpteenth medicine’s side-effects, no more fear and anxiety, no more headaches and sleepless nights, no more suffocation of her fire. [...]
September 10, 2010 at 2:09 pm
[...] course, as I recently pointed out and am painfully aware, though I just want everyone people to be happy and live in harmony, no one [...]
September 11, 2010 at 3:43 pm
[...] and secondly I remembered how much she has going on right now, how stressed she is, and though yes we’re both stressed – she has a pretty bad cold that’s making her reactions even [...]
November 24, 2010 at 12:08 am
[...] Well, judging by how affected we are by its illnesses and injury, I have to say we certainly are our flesh in some very important ways. And because we perceive our bodies as both sacred (design, complexity, ability) and mundane (composition, excrement), it’s no surprise we wonder whether there’ll be anything ‘here’ after our flesh, whether there’s an ’afterlife’ for our ‘soul’ or a (D)ivinity to ‘shepherd’ that ‘soul’. [...]
November 28, 2010 at 2:00 pm
[...] in this manner it occurs to me that my electric and erotic truth that recognizes her fire, her drive, her will to power and her passion – [...]