Her Happiness My Hands

About two months ago when we made a very important decision in which we each held veto power, we each turned down an option the other liked. In its reciprocal way this was of course a form of equality (for more relationship reciprocity see here and here) – and it was a form that at the time I was glad to have.

Yet about two weeks ago the option I vetoed came up quite naturally in a conversation about something else entirely, the lack of intentional interjection actually being humorous, and at the passing comment I felt regret, sincere and honest, sad regret. And in this feeling that I had participated somehow in an impingement upon her happiness instead of feeding her fire (even though she made it clear she valued the role of my honest opinion more than simply just getting to have the thing she wanted, made it clear the integrated way of happening was as important to her as having the option she wanted), in this feeling of regret, the gladness I had at the time of being able to veto that one option just paled, evaporated and disappeared. And I don’t think that gladness is ever coming back.

I do think that if I had expressed my love with my opinion rather than merely exercised the power of my opinion, if I had chosen an equality of happiness rather than the mere equality of reciprocity, if only I had simply and happily chosen her happiness with my power, the conversation we had two weeks ago would have been something different – and this lasting feeling I am left souring on would be an entirely different experience.

In my defense, it was an important decision and I did do it the way she wanted, but next time when I list decision pros and cons I don’t think I’ll forget this.