Defragmentation

My wife and I have names for each other that are exemplative of us and our relationship; they’re plucked from a children’s book but they’re love symbols that work for us. Just before we made this trip, my wife engraved a key ring with my name on it (it was once again a very effective love symbol), and as I quite naturally took it with me, my wife quite naturally ended up explaining to a relative what, why and how that was really my name on my tag.

And I discovered something in the ‘outing’: I didn’t care if the relative knew, or really if anyone knows, how I feel about my wife, about us, and what I think about it all (which is a surprising lot). If anything I only worry how my wife might be perceived or thought of – and she seems surprisingly less than concerned. Indeed, only about a week ago she said I shouldn’t worry so much about what other people think of my doting uxorious self; if the topic ever comes up with anyone (an unlikelihood we granted at the time, save now there’s that relative) that I should just be myself and let others think what they like. However, since this has always been her policy towards life, i.e. thought is free, I rather took it with some salt.

But now it all begs the question: How much fragmentation can I live with? Or more precisely how much ‘defragmentation’ do I really want, how much do I need in this arena in order to feel whole?

I think a serious answer is that I just simply do not wish to feel as if I am keeping a secret; she and I may choose not to tell some certain people about our relationship dynamic for various reasons, naturally very good reasons occasionally obvious not the least of which that it’s an adult, personal and intimate thing, yet being selective in telling information is not the same as ‘keeping a secret’. If I just would like to continue feeling like I have a clean closet, such as I felt when I first told my wife about my desire ‘to place myself the center her hand‘ in the first place, then I think as each outsider becomes a ‘guest’ in the ‘home of our relationship lives together’, I’ll have to strive for that balanced feeling one guest at a time, knowing I’m bound to make some mistakes.