Healthy Intentions

It happens every once in a while that in the morning I’ll not eat well, skip my coffee, and by afternoon come down with a nasty headache that is nigh upon incapacitating. It’s not my most brilliant of moves but it happened yesterday, ironically because I was in such a hurry to get on with all the things on my list for the day.

Obviously some corners are better off not getting cut, not only for my own sake but for my wife’s sake too, for quite aside from the fact she counts on me to be healthy and available it’s also quite understandable that since she’s been suffering poor health despite she having always taken exceptional care of herself that I should be so careless wouldn’t sit well. 

It all seems so reminiscent of expected levels of cooperation in a relationship, of wanting to better manage my resources (of myself in this case), and yet also of that life lesson – learning to only do what I, in being who I am, can do, no matter my desire (to do things to help) make her happy in the for you is for me dynamic.

Better Than 1950

But she doesn’t think my desire as her partner to love, dote upon and adore her, my willingness as her house husband to clean and launder to her standard -cook to her pleasure, my wife doesn’t think my excitement over obeying her every whim wish and desire in an all-effort to please her and make her happy because I love her – is any different than those who come home and are interested and excited by their particular hobby…
~ OH, Passion Love Odd Choice

I can always tell when my wife is feeling better, and after quite a crazy wild ride, it is entirely possible her health is under control though since we still don’t know what caused the problem there’ll be yet ‘more tests’. But today she did credible damage to a heretofore put off project and, because my hands were momentarily full of children and other things, she even decided to make dinner – it was very good, both dinner and seeing her feeling better.

But when I suggested perhaps I could have done a better job organizing and managing resources and children  –

She [laughs]: I’d love to have a traditional 1950s home with a wife to meet me at the door with drink, but I don’t drink. [Never has very much and cannot now with new medicine.]

Me: Oh, I think I’d have to make it one of those carrot juice protein shakes.

She [laughs]: Besides, I’m not sure wives in the fifties really were that way, I think they mostly just let their children run wild in the streets while they sat at home smoking and drinking.

And I think she’s right of course, we are far more hands on and cooperating parents than how I understand things were done back then, and it probably makes for a lot less time. Minutes later –

She [stretching]: Man, I’m going to need a back rub tonight. 
                                  [I start rubbing her back]
                                  This doesn’t count.

Me [laughing]: Of course not love, but I’ll rub your back now, later and whenever you want – and you know why I’d do it too.

She: Mmmm, because I’m bossy?

Me [laughing]: Well yes you are and I happen to like you the way you are, but no, really because I love you.

She: Ah, well good.

So, perhaps some things are about expected levels of cooperation, but when I think about all the unhappy people there must have been sixty years ago, about all the unhappy people out there today, I realize she and I probably have it better off together now than any tradition, history or stereotype.

Violence and Uxory

I just read “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” and while I frankly enjoyed the novel it won’t be in my top ten reads this year, for although I loved Larsson’s depiction of strong and in charge female characters well enough even to pick up the next book, I felt the depictions of violence against women to be far too much. Well, perhaps just too much for my sensitivities, I also skipped the graphic novel I mention here and here because of its violence.

I will say I did at least appreciate Larsson’s feminist outrage over violence against women, so much so that I think the woman in my “Constrain-ment Complete” story, which I wrote just after I finished his book, ended up a little bit over the top. I don’t know, however, if Larsson’s outrage was infectious through his good writing, or if I was merely traumatized by the horrific depictions.

Apropos of the subject I also recently happened across UCLA psychologist Rena L. Repetti’s essay, Searching for the Roots of Marital Conflict in Uxorcides and Uxorious Husbands, which appears in “Couples in Conflict” (Pennsylvania State, 2001). Where Larsson dealt largely with the grotesqueries of psychotic men who ‘just hate women’, the reality is most often such violence occurs in the context of an intimate relationship (not that this is any better, indeed it may be worse) and Repetti is not the first to suggest such relationship violence may have its roots in a failure to meet expected levels of cooperation on an everyday level — a failure that simply escalates.

But, Repetti ends with a very good point: in addition to closely scrutinizing these violent men’s psychology and their relationships, someone should perhaps also look closely at the functional dynamics of uxorious men, men who cooperate in comparable extreme, to see how things work by positive contrast.

Which brings me back to Larsson, because it’s clear he was also offering a similar juxtaposition via his somewhat uxorious male lead character, but since in my case he’s preaching to the choir, when I read his next book I fully intend to skip over the violence parts in favor of the parts I like.

Music and Passion

Now I that I’m semi-agnostic (I wasn’t always) I have a wide acceptance and tolerance range for people’s spirituality – and I also have a bit of a new age streak. Partially this has happened because I (finally) recognized the significance of the fact that what is a functional expression for one person’s interior and framework won’t necessarily be for the next person’s interior and framework (yes, despite postmodernism’s shortcomings, I practice a good amount to pluralism), but it’s also because spiritual experience in its essential numinous dimension (that large-scale fitting of interior puzzle pieces) is akin to passion and fire.

Almost two years ago while listening to Pandora to expand my new age listening enjoyment (interestingly my other heavy musical interests are jazz and blues), I came across the song Briars Above the Well – by Will Ackerman, and from the first few bars I knew it was a great song. At least a great song for me at least, and in retrospect I knew this is because I hear in the artist’s vocals that same bit and echo of passion’s fire I’ve seen elsewhere. Unfortunately, this was the only song like this on the artist’s album, indeed in his entire discography. Ackerman is an amazing musician, this isn’t his only Grammy nominated album and he’s won the award for one other album at least; I just happened to be looking for more of this particular kind of combination of great music and great vocals that happens to work for me. But I forget about it, and just listen to this one great song a lot on YouTube.

Then last week, Pandora spits up Sundara - by Jaya Lakshmi, and again I am enthralled by great music, flamenco guitar, in combination with an artists’ vocals, and this time I recognize the passion I hear for what it is. So I start digging around and discover the lyrics must be from a Sanskrit mantra or part of several mantras possibly but certainly something equally unintelligible to me.  I even briefly tried to find a translation before I realized the meaning of the words weren’t going to increase my experience of hearing this passion, indeed possibly detract from it. (Perhaps another day.) But I can’t help or shake the feeling that this person really believes what they are singing, and that this where the passion I’m hearing comes from, and when I finally land on the vocalist’s MySpace page, I discover I’m right about her faith. But to my chagrin I also discover that once again the song’s a one-timer and the artists’ stylistic inclinations usually tend in other directions.

So at once disappointed and pleased at the same time, I decided to settle on purchasing this song on iTunes and while doing so recall I should pick up Briars too, as last month it suddenly became unavailable on YouTube. Well. This is when I discover from Briars song info that the vocals on these two songs are by the same person, in fact apparently her work on Briars helped launch her early career. And the funny thing is I didn’t put it together until I was already listening to them back to back.

Mr. Uxory

People ask all the time what’s in a name, well I can tell you.

Last week, first thing I in morning, my phone’s ringing and then I can hear my seven year old girl: “Telephone call for Kowalski-Smith!” Man but she loves being loud in formal ways. But the thing is I’m pretty tired cause I had a big day the day before, not quite dead-to-the-world tired or anything like that – my mind’s just fine. Really I’m just sort of body tired, so I lie there telling myself it’s just gonna be some sorta doctor appointment thing I can just ignore – that is until I hear: “Better get that Dear, it’s probably dispatch wanting you to work tonight and we could use all the money you can get for this weekend!” And that, that’s my wife.

She mostly calls me ‘Dear’, so you might say that’s my real name, but it’s not the name I want to tell you about. Actually my real name used to be just ‘Smith’ – I know, I know, boring right? But don’t worry, I don’t take offense, I really was kind of boring ’til I met my wife. But she told me long before we got married she didn’t want to change her name. No, she didn’t have a special career or an especially feminist philosophy or anything like that, she just really felt her name was part of who she was and that marriage would be a pretty poor thing if she had to become someone else to do it. After a while I figured she had a point so I suggested we could do the new hyphen thing as a compromise, but she didn’t think a guy’s guy like me would really do it. So I proved her wrong – I even put Kowalski first to show how much I love her and how much she means to me. And so now Kowalski-Smith is married to Kowalski and both me and my name get to be exciting.

Funny, eh? Yeah, I know. Buuuut it’s not Kowalski or Smith I want to tell you about either, though I’ll tell you, the guys at work love calling me by my last name as if it’s a big deal. But I say let’s face it, last names are really for everyone else to know you by. And you know it might be great for everyone else out there to know I love my wife, but I really don’t think it matters to them a single bit one way or the other.

Anyway, now I get the phone and she’s right of course, it is dispatch, and I realize I have no idea what her plans for the weekend are, and I can’t even remember if she just never told me or worse if she told me and I just plain forgot, which is something I might’ve done mind you ’cause like I said I’m pretty tired. The thing is I drive a cab, just part time for the extra cash ’cause my wife’s really the breadwinner and I’m more like Mr. Mom.

Mr. Mom, yeah I know, more names right? Aaannd the story of how I got here and how she got there is an interesting story, but it just isn’t the story of what’s in a name. Actually I don’t think ‘Breadwinner’ and ‘Mom’ are names, they’re are more like titles, things that come before your name, or after your name if you’re lucky enough to be born that way, though I sure wasn’t. I’ve spent four years of part time nights behind a wheel just so I could get promoted to three more years of part time mornings or afternoons behind a dispatch desk – and still pick up some evenings behind the wheel. Which is actually my point, last week they were busy and I’d already done days and nights two days running. I was already tired and behind on the house chores and stuff I’d already put off the past two days – and I’d still had my regular afternoon desk shift.

So I’m standing there with the phone in my hand, knowing I could just say I’m just too tired to do this today. And I really could too and I knew my wife would understand because though she wants the money for something, she doesn’t want it if I’m dead. But I start thinking about how happy whatever it is she’s got up her sleeve is going to make her. You know, there are people who really enjoy living life, and she’s one of them. And I love her for it. And love it about her. So of course there’s really no contest. I take the shift, I hang up.

And then my wife tells me she’s going to be home late and miss me because there’s some important potential client in town but that on the upside it means I wouldn’t have to worry about dinner at all because girl one is going to scouts and girl two’s having dinner at a friend’s house. So I’m glad about dinner and I don’t think much more about it.

It’s only later when I get this fare that reminds me how long life has been this way. You get all types in a taxi and this was the talkative, inquisitive type, and they’re not so bad, the worst is the talkative self involved type. But this guy wants to know why I stick with such a crappy job. And I could tell him it’s not really so bad ’cause I like driving and I like people, but I know the real reason why it’s never been so bad for me too. So I tell him about that moment I had on the phone this morning when I realized that because I love her more than anything in the world that yeah, I’ll pick up an extra crappy shift at a crappy job, and that that’s the very least thing I’ll do.

And then he has the guts to ask me if I love her more than the kids, but I get him square on that because pointed out parenting is what Old Detroit Automakers used to call ‘Planned Obsolescence’, if you work hard and do a good job you get rewarded by not being a parent anymore. Not that it’s anything less than ‘the toughest job you’ll ever love’ – but your gig’s over when they fly the coop, and they will fly the coop cause that’s the whole point. But for me loving my wife is more like what they call a ‘vocation’, when the job’s never quit cause the job’s the point of you, and you know it still will be after the kid’s are gone. So no, I don’t love her more or less than the kids, just different.

Anyway, when I get home late that night she surprises me ’cause she’s still up, usually she’s in bed already. And she’s got this huge Cheshire Cat smile on her face the one she gets when she’s really happy about something, so I ask her what’s up. And she tells me this story about how her important client had the most interesting taxi ride downtown — and I say no freaking way. She says yes, and the guy was so impressed that he took note of my name and then he goes on to use me as an example of the kind of service he wanted from the firm saying, “this guy’s name was ‘Kowalski-smith’ but I’m going to call him Mr. Uxory’ ” because apparently uxory is the name you get when you love your wife enough that you’re willing to let her call the shots so she’s happy and you’re willing to do whatever you need to in order to help make her happy.

So when my wife pointed out that this driver he had was actually her husband, the client totally commits to the deal on the spot and demands she head the project. And then on top of this, after the meeting, because of how thrilled this new client is they finally give her the promotion she should’ve had last year but that because of the economy we finally just gave up believing she’d ever get.

So now my wife says to me, “Now, Mr. Uxory, you can quit your crappy job, in fact I want you to.” And at first I’m like hey, this is great – but then I get to wondering what I’m going to do with all the free time. And she must’ve seen the look on my face and says, “But what?” So I tell her what and then she gets that smile back on and says, “Mr. Uxory, you can do anything you want, but as your full time partner, lover, wife and now employer, you’d better just run it by me first.”

And that, my friends, that is what’s in a name.