Bright Line

Back when I did enjoy porn (I don’t anymore) I liked it so much I wished I had special glasses to view naked women nonstop. Similarly I now would love to constantly dwell in the numinous relationship experience, but as recently noted “excitement abates” and I rather think this is true whether or not the desire is fulfilled. What is numinous is just so partly for its specialty; I think a constant numinous experience would cease to be numinous. (This is for many people what is also the essential problem with porn in a relationship: what they want to be sacred becomes profane.) The sacred is by definition a rare experience; the profane is by definition a common experience.

I also think my (greedy? selfish?) desire to have everything in my life motivated by something I really like (here too), the numinous relationship experience in this instance, is near the heart of my interior darkness - trying (even if unconsciously) to foist that stand up motivation off on my wife through the carrot of the numinous relationship experience within the female led relationship dynamic. I think this is not only wrong because it would ultimately lead to an untenable relationship with my wife (being detrimental to both intimacy and trust), but also wrong because I would not have been finding my own self-motivation, my own internal bravery and heroism, would not have been standing tall on my own two (interior) feet, for my own self. And too, I rather believe this is part of (my own) life lesson number one: being myself, my own self.

And so, where’s the line? Because doing what she wants, helping her to her happiness in any way I can, is also part of who I am.

I think this line (for me, right now) needs to be (lest I fall into either error) that my motivation for female led be clearly based on love, pleasure and eros, but only as a ‘second layer’ added on to the relationship after (and not mixed with) my self motivated responsibility (to my self) is adequately met. One limit of female led I think (at least for me) is that it cannot be a substitute for standing tall on your own, or be a tool to get your partner to stand tall for you.

Female led is for those already standing (and I’ll save the ‘tall’ part for qualitative ‘heroic standing’) – perhaps the bright line is to ask myself (before I act, endeavor or encourage life lesson two): am I already standing on my own two (interior) feet?